What a great way to start my day.

So frustrated.
After my hotmail account was hacked, i had the account cancelled.
Well, the hacker reactivated it.
Seriously, so gutless.
So i've changed to password to something just random and then deleted the account again.
If they figure out the new password and then have it reactivated again then i've going to have a fit.

Seriously love opi's ridge filler.

While changing my nail polish, i noticed that my nails look much healthier than they've looked in possibly two years.
Perhaps this is because i've started to use the ridge filler as a base?
I've seen a serious turn around in my nails appearance and could not be happier.

And now my legs are sore.

I've had quite a long day of shopping. 
From 1pm to 8pm straight.
I met up with a friend during the day but i had no luck except for a pair of cheap anthropologie earrings.  Nothing special but they're nice for day wear.


After catching up with Brooke, i met up with my sister for some REAL shopping. We started by getting my bridesmaid dress.
So stressful.
The store, Fashion Crimes on queen west, didn't sell anything small enough for me so we just picked the one we liked the best and will get it taken in.


I was actually kind of happy that everything was too big for me, and i know that sounds body dysmorphic ish, but hear me out. My body size normally is fairly small, so generally i need to wear the smaller sizes. But, with all my medicine, i've gained about ten pounds of water weight. It's extremely uncomfortable and just sits there on me like chub because i have zero muscle tone. So, i've had no idea what's going on with my body. Like i know my butts filled out...I think. But so have my thighs. And NOTHING has happened to my boobs, but my stomach is for sure affected. But, if i'm still small enough that Fashion Crimes dresses are all too big, then i must not have had a huge change in body size, right? I've been having horrible thoughts of having to buy all new clothes because nothing fits and i can no longer wear any of the things i already own.
So the weight is mostly just uncomfortable....good or bad thing?


Also while shopping, i bought myself a black bandage dress that i may wear for new years eve, and a red sweater that i've wanted for months but wanted to wait until it went on sale. Only the aritzia on queen was carrying it (trust me, i shopped on bloor, queen, AND at eatons today) and the only one they had was one in my size. Half price.
SO HAPPY!
Waiting for it to be discounted actually worked for once. Usually they sell out of all the sizes i wear.
On top of this i got a cheap blue eyeliner for the eye makeup thing i want to do for new years. I did it for halloween but didn't have the right colour or the right tools at the time.
This time i'll get it right!
Trust me, it's tricky to do.
See below:

This time i'll be prepared!

Worth the money

So I finally tried out the Dr Brandt pore vacuum mask.

Not exactly what i expected. Don't get me wrong though, I still like it!
I thought it would be a thick cream, but instead its a very thin lotion. It's great. As it dries it gets very tight and pulls all the oil from our pores. I don't have many issues with blackheads or clogged pores, but my skin looked great after. When i looked at my pores close up, it looked so much cleaner.
If you use it, try to have some biore strips handy. They would be perfect to use afterwards to get perfectly clear pores.

Happy distractions that will help me sleep.

If you read the post below this one and get freaked, just watch these. It helps.

The Toilet Store:

The Smileyface Line

Mr. President

So polite.

Caution: Starts light then gets depressing.

Due to my iron whatsit, my nails are in terrible shape. It's just pathetic/gross. So today while out i bought the opi ridge filler.

I love it. I painted a medium brown colour over top and it's gone on amazingly smooth for once. 
Happy.


Little things like this cheer me up and i definitely needed it.


My family had my grandparents and my aunt and uncle over for dinner and things were happy until talk moved to more rural topics like cottaging and farming. My mom decided that was a moment to tell a scaring/terribly sad story of my brother in laws grandfather.


He was a farmer and his sons and brother would help him out on occasion. On one specific occasion, his thresher stopped working and had not been working for a while. When they went to work on it, he fell into it, it turned on at that moment, and he was thrashed to death within an instant.


I'm so horrified at this story and have been feeling ill all evening because of it. When my mother was telling it i actually gasped and had a mini freak out when she said he fell in. 


Anyone who knows me knows i'm not one for emotional expressions of any sort. Thats how upset i got over it.


So now i'm up late and watching friends because i'm upset and scared to sleep because i just know i'll have nightmares about it. And while this happened to my brother in laws grandfather many many years ago when he was still a fairly young man, it still horrifies me. I just imagine his sons having to go home and tell their mother what happened. With such a traumatizing accident, how does one even cope?


Stories like this always make me appreciate life so much more.


My uncle followed this one up with one about a man he knows who also had a mishap with farming equipment. He fell in, it somehow started up without warning as well, and he lost a leg and an arm. 


I somehow doubt i'm getting any sleep tonight. 

Whoever hacked my old hotmail account is disgusting and a huge creep.

Fuck off stalker.

Get a life.

Dissecting my subconscious

I always wonder about peoples personal dating "types."
More so recently because i think my usual type has changed, but i don't know if this is because my normal type is so rare, or my preferences (and hormones, thanks to ortho) have changed.


Normally i go for the guy with red/reddish hair who can make me laugh. Pretty much any guy who can really make me laugh is good. Hair colour is a bonus.


Now, there are more qualifications needed, and hair colour isn't really one of them.
On my list i now have:

• has ambitions for the future
• is either thin or in shape
• funny
• by my definition, cute

Maybe it's because i'm getting older that i have more needs? Each point has it's reasoning. Like, if he has no ambitions, and it gets serious....where do we go from there? I don't want to end up with some guy who is unemployed and doesn't really care if he ever develops a career. And the thin thing, i don't want a guy who's overweight. At this age, if a guy is overweight and it isn't because of health issues, then that's just bad news. People tend to only gain weight over time, not lose it as they age. if they're overweight in their early twenties, there's an issue. Funny is obvious, everyone likes to laugh, and i'd need to be attracted to them, otherwise it's just friendship...

I must be aging, these things would never have popped into my head even a year ago.

Weird.

What's weirder, this type is probably more common than my old type...

So Good.

One of my favorite scenes from a christmas movie.

I actually laugh way too hard at this.

And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese?!

So tired.
Spent the entire day at my grandparents in Oshawa. This may sound easy, but with the amount of people coming and going, it definitely is not.
To relax, i'm watching friends and drinking tea.
So good.
Feel pretty obese though. I ate my weight in christmas cookies today.
Kinda impressed with myself.


I promise myself that i'll start taking better care of myself once the winter semester starts.
This blood issue sets me up for a world of problems, so i have to be diligent about eating my veggies and staying away from the shiftier food.
No more microwavable bags of rice for me. 
I just want two more weeks of being extra disgusting until classes.
Pretty much, this blood problem sets me up for bone marrow issues which leads to aplastic anemia, and if a person gets that and it's sort of serious, they have a 75% chance of death within 5 years. If someone lives though this, they still have to do bone marrow treatments for the rest of their life. There's also a large chance of developing a blood cancer once the aplastic anemia gets bad.


So this sort of means the end of KFC for me.
It's a good thing i'm already lactose intolerant because the iron meds I take don't agree at all with dairy apparently. I haven't tested this theory and I don't plan to. The meds are great for giving me all the extra salt i'm supposed to take though! So while the pills conflict with my eating schedule because i can't eat in the morning or at night, i should definitely have fewer fainting spells. That's pretty positive! No more fear of fainting onto the subway tracks.


Know what my mother did this Christmas? She got all my relatives to add a salt shaker or some salt something to my christmas gifts.
I have so much random salt, i don't even know what to do with it.

Merry Christmas!

The week surrounding Christmas is always so busy.
Yesterday during the day we say Tessie and Bob, the evening was spent with my dads side, today is immediate family, and tomorrow is my moms side. And the rest of the week is pretty much dedicated to family time like a trip to the AGO with the grandparents and different dinners with different relatives.
Kinda overwhelming.
It's still nice though. Last night went very smoothly and this mornings gift exchange was very nice. I don't think anyone's disappointed. I'm definitely happy with what i've gotten!

Ew, blood.

My life is so frustrating these days.
I have more eating restrictions because of new medicine i must take. 
Now, i have to stop eating by nine pm. Do you know how hard this is going to be? Most of my eating takes place after nine!
Also, i can't eat for the first two hours i'm awake.
Fun, right?
It's because my blood is wrong. My body is no longer creating it properly and there is no iron in it. I'm not anemic, but it's similar in a few ways such as some of the side effects and whatnot.
What am i going to do if i can't eat after nine?! 
This is a disaster. 
It's 8:20 now and i'm pigging out like there's no tomorrow.
I should probably be more worried about the whole blood issue, but all i can think about is the fact that in guelph, once the day is done and we're all about to go to bed, i like to watch tv in bed and eat chocolate from my candy jar.
This is terrible.

Merry Christmas to me.

More health drama.
I'll keep you posted.

And wanting more.

Candice is such a beauty.
But right now i'm more focused on her dress. I would LOVE something like this for new years. Everyone is going to be wearing black dresses and sparkly whatsits. This would be such a nice change!
Unfortunately, i think i'll end up wearing a black dress and some sparkly whatsit.

Want

I need these on my feet.

They're so fun!

Adorable

I honestly just love Chanel Iman. She's so cute!
She's just the perfect girl next door.

Bad choice

I'm stuck around the house right now waiting for a package to arrive.
So, i decided to watch a movie before doing chores.
I picked The Notebook.

Whyyyyy am i doing this to myself? It's too sad, i can't handle it.
This is just like every time I try to watch Titanic.
You'd think that i'd have learned by now that I really can't handle movies like this.
Christmas baking will cheer me up....and the arrive of new shoes.
Can't go wrong with that.

Facing Fear

Fine.

No hiding.

A pic of me, half concealed freckles and all.

Roxy

It's nice to be back at home after spending time in Guelph.
I'm really hesitant to make any noise though. My parrot is sleeping and I don't want to wake her. I always find it funny when she sleeps because she snores and murmurs words to herself. 
It's quite cute.
I always want to record it because I find it so funny, but i'm not stealth enough and she always wakes up. 
Also, she just loves cameras. So once she wakes up and sees it, there is no way she'll be able to fall asleep again.
So vain.
It's why we had to remove the mirror from her cage. She wouldn't eat or sleep, just stare into her own reflection.

Hair Envy

Earlier in the week i was thinking about dying my hair dark. But now i realize that that would be silly. It's already mid december. If you're going to go dark (and you know it's only for the winter season) then you need to do it at the very beginning of fall. By the end of september/early october it should be set. 
Also, i've been having major hair envy and i know i'll want to imitate it come april.
The hair culprit? Erin Heatherton.
because of this, it would be especially stupid for me to go dark because my hair is already so close to being like Erin's.
I've never posted a pic of myself on the blog because it makes me a bit nervous, so i've found one where you can see my hair, but not my face.


Pic One: Erins hair at the 2010 VS fashion show.

Pic Two: My hair as I molest my housemates, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, on Halloween.

The colour is so similar but hers is a bit brighter.....i want it. But only for summer. That wouldn't be a good look on me during winter when my skin gets pastier by the moment. And i'll probably have a second job in the summer working outdoors again, so i'll have some legit skin colour....calling it a tan may be pushing it. But i will get a week in Cuba in May so maybe a tan will be possible. Success!  I don't think i've had a real tan since i was a child and spent all my waking hours outdoors without sunscreen on.

In need of distractions

I think i've been watching too much of Keeping Up With The Kardashians because all i want to do right now is start my own clothing store.
Obviously i can't. I have neither money nor any good ideas when it comes to this sort of thing. I need something else to get excited over.
but i just want to shop! shoes particularly... 
It's going to be rough until summer arrives and i get a job.


These aren't too expensive. Think i could pull them off?

Too much medicine

Spent the morning at womens college hospital. Again. 
I've only been home for about a week or two and i've already been there three times.
They still have no clue what is happening with my heart, but now they think i have iron issues.

I'll take iron supplements over cardiograms any day.
Unfortunately that day was not today.
Since i started getting these cardiograms, i've really noticed that i have good boob days, and meh boob days. I don't know why, but it just helps if i'm having a good boob day. I mean, when they do the cardiogram i look crazy, right? Topless and covered in electrode stickies. So it just helps my self esteem if my boobs look great. 
The good thing about this? My cardiologist says I can eat all the salt I want. I need to make sure i eat salty food every day.
Because of this, i've changed birth control pills. In the past i used to use yasmin and now I'm using yaz. Unfortunately, both are mild diuretics. Maybe it doesn't make much of a difference, but I should still try out another type and see if it helps. So, next month i'll be starting Ortho Tri Cyclin Lo. It's very similar to yasmin, so I think i'll like it.
I'm very nervous that the hormone change will give me acne though, so I got benzaclin as well. Nothing works better...unless you take minocycline. Best pill in the world....unless you over due it. Then you could turn purple.


I know too much about prescription acne medication don't I?


Oh well.
To distract myself, i'm going to look at bikinis i may buy and imagine that i could look like the models.


I really do like this blue...

Frustration

I don't know if Get Outside Shoes is clever or just lazy. I was so excited when i saw that they had the Tom shoes i wanted in my size, so of course i had to order them. Couldn't help it.
Turns out, they didn't have the my in my size at all. They just take orders, wait a week, and then tell you that they never actually had them in your size because they haven't bothered to update their website since they originally stocked the shoe.
So now i'm getting them in grey because I could do an exchange. I want to get something out of this!
I do like the grey. They're so easy to wear with jeans, it's ridiculous. 

Malleable

It's strange that what you grow up with tends to define you. It affects what your future career could be, or even who you marry.

My definition of beauty has probably been most strongly defined by what i see through the media via television.

The following is just something for myself. I wanted to see all the images of what i think has shaped me, all at once. You know, just to see if i can see any of me in there.

Keeping myself distracted from work

I can't make any big changes to my hair because of my sisters upcoming wedding, so i'm planning to change it right after.

I'm loving Abbey Lee's bangs. They're so perfectly flirty. If i dye my hair darker, i think i can pull it off.

Also, i'm going to make a hair resolution and try not to blow dry my hair every day. I've always done my hair after showering, ever since grade 7. I'm going to try and go a few days per week without a blowout.

I've only managed two days in a row so far, so this may get rough.

Wish me luck!

Home for a rest

While it's nice being home for a break, it's not very healthy for my bank account.

All the christmas shopping isn't good for me. I keep buying things for myself!

Exibit A:

I'd take a pic of myself wearing them because that would be clearer, but then people would know what i look like....not so fond of that idea.

Perhaps in the future i'll try something like that, but it seems a bit too 'fashion blog' to me.

It is really nice being home. Probably one of the best parts of home is having my pets around. I always feel a bit guilty when i'm in Guelph and can't take care of them.

It can be hard to get a good picture of Lucy and Roxy. Roxy always likes the camera a bit too much, and Lucy couldn't care less.

The biggest perk of home? It actually feels like Christmas is coming. At school, everything is just work. It's nice to get away from that for a bit.

I should probably be doing work right now, but i've got a choice between two final assignments for one of my classes and i can't decide which one to do. So instead, i'm watching toy story 3 and eating christmas cookies.

I seriously am eating way too much these days. This morning i woke up and felt ill. But i ate breakfast anyways. And then i ate a second breakfast and i finally felt better. I was just extremely hungry. I ate 4 pop tarts and a large peameal bacon sandwich and a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. It took THAT much to make me feel full. And i'm already hungry again.

Perhaps ichiban and egg for lunch?

Not until this movie's over though. It's surprisingly stressful.

And the doctors appointments start up again.

Fun.

Lets see how they kill me this time.

Shoes!

Got myself Toms.

They're such a pretty blue!

Normally i'd wait to buy these because they're such a warm weather sort of shoe, but this is the first time i've seen them in my size, so i had to get them.

besides, i feel bad about buying winter clothes at this time of year unless i seriously want them. I just won't get enough use out of it for the rest of the season if I don't like it enough. Really, by april it's too warm to wear most winter clothing. And a lot of it feels too Christmas themed to be wearing in february or march.

Stupid winter.

What's What's His Face's name? Honestly can't remember....

Does anyone else consider Bridget Jones's Diary a chirstmas movie? I was watching it before bed and thought that maybe this is a little sad. It really has nothing to do with Chistmas besides that fact that it makes Bridget feel pathetic. And the most memorable moment is when Hugh Grant and Whats His Face are fighting.

i really need to invest in some better Christmas movies.

Whoa, just had a mental freak out. James Franco was in Spiderman????? The fuck?

And now i need to look away from the screen because the spider's biting the What's His Face from Spiderman.

Don't judge me for watching spiderman. My last theatre class was all about the upcoming broadway production and i have to watch it now to get it out of my head. Also, i just want something to have in the background while i'm doing shit.

This movie is really bothering me though. Lke seriously, if you were bit by some large purple spider which is foreign and probs poisonous (judging from the bulbous purpleness), wouldn't you go see a doctor? or get your parents to take you to the hospital once you start feeling extremely sick? I thought What's His Name was supposed to be smart.

Putting off exam essays

While stalling on doing my exam work, i decided to do a bra fitting with the help of some google links.

Turns out i'm a 30C. Where do i find a bra that size?

The size makes sense. The cups for a 32B fit fine, but a 32 is too loose for me and ends up near my shoulders even if it's on the smallest hook.

And on my more frustrating days, i just want to avoid using hooks completely and just tie the back of my bra up like a knot so it can finally be tight enough.

So satisfying.

Now, i really should start working...perhaps i'll do a load of laundry first? And there are some dishes laying around...

I haven't even had a chance to romp around in the snow yet!

So pretty!

Keeping me sane:

Shut up and dance - Aerosmith

Classic.

Aren't I too young for this?

I have such a headache right now.

I'm trying to figure out my life right now. It's so much harder than i imagined.

So, here is what i'm trying to decide between:

Go into teaching:

• Which means i need to go to teachers college for a year.
• Getting an actual job could/would be painful.

Become a Drama therapist:

• Would have to go to Concordia for two years...don't really want to move that far from Toronto.
• Because it's an MA, i would be extremely busy and have little time for socializing. It could be a lonely two years.
• Would not be as hard to get a job in DT as it would be to get a job in teaching.
• Pay would be better
• Also, as an alternative to Concordia, I could go to England to study. Drama Therapy is exploding there. If i want to get my MA in Canada, it's Concordia.

Go into Tourism:

• Work my way into gov jobs through connections.
• Would need to get an MBA eventually.
• MBA would take two years and involve finance. Something i'm not good at.

I think before I decide on any of this, i would want to take a year off and just work. Maybe i would sublet my Toronto place if i didn't want to give it up? Going straight from undergrad into a two year MA could be deadly for my sanity.

These decisions are far too hard.

I feel like i just decided what i wanted to study in university. And now it doesn't even matter. Time to move onto the next subject to study.

Frustrating.

Musings

I really need to get my life in order.

When i'm living in guelph, it is easy to forget that i have some health problems. And then i do things that negatively effect my health. So, i need to get this dealt with.

Tonight, i'll start jogging again, or if that doesn't happen, i have to go for a long walk. Something to get me moving about. And i need to stop eating such shitty food. I don't want to buy anymore groceries for the rest of the semester, but next semester, i need to fit veggies in in a big way.

I don't think i'm going to bother trying out for the mainstage next semester. I'm doing a full load of classes with no distance ed, so i'll be busy. especially with 4 of my classes being english classes. Hopefully i can get some of my reading done over the winter break!

Also, next semester i'd like to do a gym class. Spinning perhaps? or maybe a pilates...

Dietary Preferences

Just ate pizza and was so disappointed. Since giving up dairy, it just hasn't tasted the same whenever i DO eat it. In my memory, pizza was just amazing. Now? It's bland and blah. Not something i enjoy eating. I ate one piece and I don't think i'll bother with the rest.

I'm so excited!!!!

VS fashion show on the November 30th!!!!!

AHHHHH

The wait is killing me!

They really need a ginger in the mix. Gingers can be sexy too!

Such a fatty.

For dinner, my mum and i went to penrose for fish and chips.

Soooooooo good. best in toronto.

But i ate way too much.

ugh.

doesn't help that i'm now eating my way through a box of chocolate turtles.

mmmmm

turtles.

Oh BABY fuck it.

Things I Must Eat: Greek Food

Just because.

I love this! it's so playful and fun!

Season envy

I keep finding myself thinking about summer.

Already.

There isn't even any snow on the ground, yet i'm already excited to shop for spring clothing!

I'm being crazy, right?

Maybe i'll watch a christmas movie before bed....try and get into the winter mood.

I'm really missing the summer sun! more than i normally do. i miss how defined my freckles are in the summer months.

I'll just have to force it all out of my mind. And there isn't even any good fall/winter shopping left to do. Now when i consider buying something, i just feel greedy.

By the time march rolls around, i'm going to be dying to shop. And lay in the sun. and wear barely anything outside.

If i keep telling myself i can handle a few months of jackets and layering, maybe it'll be okay.

Middle school me always wanted huge boobs.

I went out shopping today, but found i wasn't in much of a shopping mood.

I figured victorias secret would perk me up. i picked out a few bras, one specifically being the miraculous bra.

nothing miraculous about it.

I felt thoroughly disgusting wearing it.

If you ever want the look of having a very fake boob job, get the miraculous bra.

i tried my top to see if it would make a difference. i thought that the boobs might look less insane once covered by some cloth.

nope.

and with a cardigan over top of that, i just looked fat.

if all you want is some nice cleavage, get any other push up bra. this one will give you loads of cleavage, but it also gives you the most ridiculous silhouette.

I'll explain.

The bra is supposed to give you the illusion of you of being two cup sizes larger than you are. plus cleavage. Problem is, there won't be enough boob to create realistic cleavage for that cup size. So, you end up with very large cup sizes, with odd cleavage that does not go out far enough to look quite correct. the boobs are just pushed high and together.....but they don't go out far enough to look realistic from any angle but straight on.

when i left the change room and the women asked me why i didn't like it, i said "it didn't look right."

they all knew exactly what i meant.

So, i got a bra from aerie instead. it's adorable.

and I learned my lesson. watermelon breasts just aren't for everyone. the curious 13 year old inside of me can now relax.